[Firefly][Fic] Monsters (River, SFW)

[wallwalker]

Title: Monsters
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Character: River
Rating: SFW

The monsters are in the mind.
Written for fic_promptly some time ago. Possibly my first attempt at this fandom; it's hard to remember.

Monsters (Firefly)

They're all jealous of her, sometimes. She knows it. She feels it, a humming in the backs of their heads, thoughts that none of them want to put words to. They're jealous of the way that she never seems upset, never seems worried. She always lives in the now, and even if it's because she's crazy (and she's heard more words for crazy than she ever wants to repeat) at least it means she doesn't worry.

River knows that they're all wrong, though. She feels it, feels everyone's worries, and they feed on each other and grow bigger and bigger inside of her head, until they're monsters threatening to eat her alive. She knows that the monsters are there, but she refuses to feed them, refuses to let anyone see. What else was she supposed to do? If she showed them the monsters, their own monsters would get bigger and stronger, and sooner or later they'd all become monsters themselves, and then what would happen to them all?

No, she lets them be jealous. It's better than the alternative. But she knows that their jealousy turns into other things sometimes, that sometimes she makes new fear-monsters, ones that wear her face. She knows that if she wasn't there things might be bright and happy and beautiful, at least in their minds, and sometimes she wants to go so that they can be happy again.

She tried once, though. And it didn't take. They took her back, because leaving her made bigger monsters for some of them. And so she stays with them and helps them, because that way she can keep them safe from some of them, the way they'd kept her safe. It was all she could do.